Ranch Dressing

It all started in 1954 at a dude ranch outside Santa Barbara. The owners (the Hensons) apparently were best known for their salad dressing, started selling the powdered mix to take home. It got big enough that they sold off to Clorox in 1972 and the rest is history.

One might wonder how kids ate their vegetables before we had ranch in a bottle. Or perhaps we would have to be reminded that buffalo wings first came with blue cheese dressing. We could even try to figure out how things could be different for Homer Simpson when he famously dreamed "I grow weary of your sexually suggestive dancing, Bring me my ranch dressing hose!"

Since the dried mix can also be used as flavoring for sturdier chip dips, let's talk about dip bases. Traditionally chip dips start with a mix of sour cream and mayo, often 50:50, I have tended to use 2:1 sour cream to mayo for most of mine. Recently I have gone to mixing equal parts sour cream, plain yogurt (don't use any flavored ones including vanilla), and mayo. I have also used cottage cheese with the curds mashed up. Some folks even blend down silken tofu. I don't think it really matters all that much. Any mixture can be modified to suit your taste or your comfort with fat-based products. A good discussion of dip bases can be found here.

So here is my version of of the Ranch Dressing Mix. The saltines are added, I believe, as a bit of a thickening agent with something that has already been cooked. I found that version on other recipe sites and it worked so I stayed with it. Of course now that you have the mix, you can decide to make as little or as much as you want. I think this recipe scales pretty well.

Ranch Dressing Mix

8  saltines finely crushed or processed
1 c.  dry parsley
1/4 c.  dried minced onion
1 T.  dried dill
2 T.  onion salt
2 T.  onion powder
2 T.  garlic salt
2 T.  garlic powder
1 t.  black pepper
1 t.  dried chives (optional, but I like them in here)
1/2 t. dried basil
1/2 t. dried thyme

Whir all together in processor or blender. Store in airtight container.

Dip
2 T.  Ranch Dressing Mix
1 c.  sour cream
1/2 c.  mayo

Dressing
2 T.  Ranch Dressing Mix
1 c.  sour cream (or the original uses mayo, or use a mix)
1/4 c.  milk (buttermilk if you want) add more or less depending on the consistency you like

Blend together and let flavors sit for an hour or longer if you can. Either should be good in the fridge for a week or so. If you want to make less, just cut the recipe in half.


Of course, now that you have the basic mix, you can make a variety of other versions of the iconic taste.

• Add bacon. Yes, just do it.
• Once made, add some salsa to smooth it out, add a little more flavor, and turn it pink
• Blend in some avocado and 1/2 t. cilantro and maybe a little cumin as well
• Add 1t. ground chipotle to the 2 T. mix for some smokey spice
• Hand crush 1 t. peppercorns (mixed would be great) and add for a cracked peppercorn ranch
• What about 1/2-1 t. of wasabi powder and maybe a splash of soy sauce for a far east flavor?

 Enjoy!

UnclePhool BBQ Sauce

It is once again summer. Time for cooking outdoors over the open flame.

BBQ sauce is one of those areas of cooking that sparks much debate and contest. Heck, even the mention of USING a sauce gets some folks dander up. I happen to like good sauces.

There are, of course, several different types of BBQ sauce; Carolina Mustard, Memphis, Texas; but I am partial to the tomato-based ones from Kansas City. Thick, spicy, sweet, tangy. I worked for a couple years making a few different versions that I liked. But they take time and have a ton of ingredients. So I decided to try and come up with a simple to make sauce that even my father could consistently get right.

This one is made in 20 minutes in a single pan. You should already have the ingredients in your pantry (except the chipotle--get some from Penzey's). Very easy and freezes great in small cups. Works on chicken, pork, brats, pulled pork, brisket, elk, yak, even deviled eggs. Works well either cold or warmed up a bit. Just remember to put it on at the end of or after cooking. This, like most sauces, is not well suited for the actual cooking process.

UnclePhool BBQ Sauce

1 cup  ketchup

1/2 c.  water

1/4 c.  apple cider vinegar

1/4 c.  brown sugar

2 T.    olive oil

2 T.    paprika (smoked is nice)

1 T.    chile powder (use whatever heat you like)

1 t.    garlic powder

1 t.    ground chipotle (or 1/2 t. cayenne if you can't find)

1 t.    onion powder

1 t.   Worcestershire sauce

1 shot  whiskey

Stir everything together in a small sauce pan. Heat over medium heat until it starts to bubble. Stir. Reduce heat to low and heat another 15 minutes stirring every 2-3 minutes. Refrigerate. Best the next day. Keeps for 2 weeks or so in the fridge. Freezes very well.

This is only a starting point for you to make it your own. Another option:

Add 1t. cumin, 1 T. fresh lime juice, and replace the whiskey with tequila
or
Remove chipotle and add 1 t. mustard powder, 1 T. yellow mustard, and a shot of gin

Enjoy. Have fun. Eat Well.

Nazi Rules For Jazz Performers

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While I have been mostly writing about food, I did not intend this column to be solely on the culinary arts. Could not help but post this gem sent to me by a former bandmate. Now, I did not write this, and I certainly cannot subscribe to rule #10.

 

Nazi Rules For Jazz Performers

Josef Skvorecky on the Nazis’Control-Freak Hatred of Jazz.

Famed Czech radical Josef Skvorecky recently died at 87 in his adopted land of Canada. J.J. Gould remembers Skvorecky through his memoirs, including a detailed list of the rules for jazz performers during the Nazi occupation. The Reich’s Gauleiter for the Nazi Protectorate of Bohemia and Moravia issued a 10-point regulation that Gould calls “the single most remarkable example of 20th-century totalitarian invective against jazz.”

1.   Pieces in foxtrot rhythm (so-called “swing”) are not to exceed 20% of the repertoires of light orchestras and dance bands;

2.   In this so-called jazz type repertoire, preference is to be given to compositions in a major key and to lyrics expressing joy in life rather than Jewishly gloomy lyrics;

3.   As to tempo, preference is also to be given to brisk compositions over slow ones (so-called “blues”); however, the pace must not exceed a certain degree of allegro, commensurate with the Aryan sense of discipline and moderation. On no account will Negroid excesses in tempo (so-called hot jazz) or in solo performances (so-called “breaks”) be tolerated;

4.   So-called jazz compositions may contain at most 10% syncopation; the remainder must consist of a natural legato movement devoid of the hysterical rhythmic reverses characteristic of the barbarian races and conductive to dark instincts alien to the German people (so-called “riffs”);

5.   Strictly prohibited is the use of instruments alien to the German spirit (cowbells, flexatone, brushes, etc.) as well as all mutes which turn the noble sound of wind and brass instruments into a Jewish-Freemasonic yowl (so-called “wa-wa,” “hat,” etc.);

6.   Also prohibited are so-called drum breaks longer than half a bar in four-quarter beat (except in stylized military marches);

7.   The double bass must be played solely with the bow in so-called jazz compositions;

8.   Plucking of the strings is prohibited, since it is damaging to the instrument and detrimental to Aryan musicality; if a so-called pizzicato effect is absolutely desirable for the character of the composition, strict care must be taken lest the string be allowed to patter on the sordine, which is henceforth forbidden;

9.   Musicians are likewise forbidden to make vocal improvisations (so-called “scat”);

10.  All light orchestras and dance bands are advised to restrict the use of saxophones of all keys and to substitute for them the violin-cello, the viola or possibly a suitable folk instrument.

Chile Cashews

Cashews never last very long around the house. Santa used to leave a large bucket under the tree, but they always seemed to disappear in the next day or so. Especially when uncles and cousins started showing up.

On their own, cashews are great. It is one of the nuts I can eat. Salty. Fatty. Crunchy. A great snack. Easy to take in a bag on the airplane. Then I found Trader Joe's Chili-Lime cashews. Holy cow! those are good when you can find them. An open bag around my house or office is gone in no time. I started thinking that perhaps I could work on making my own cashews. This recipe works really well with 1.5 - 2 pounds peanuts as well.

UnclePhool's Chile Cashews

• 1.5 or 2 pounds whole roasted salted cashews or peanuts

• 1   egg white beaten until frothy (about a minute with a hand whisk)
• 1 T.   water
• 2 T.   fresh lime juice (the juice from both halves of a small lime)
• 1 T.   sugar
• 2 t.   kosher salt
• 1 t.   cumin
• 1 t.   chili powder
• 1 t.   paprkia
• 1/2 t.  cayenne

Preheat oven to 250F. In a large bowl whip the egg white. Add all the liquids and spices and mix to combine. Add the cashews and mix to evenly coat. Spread evenly in one layer on a baking sheet with parchment paper or silicone pad. Bake for 60 or so minutes (or until they are dry and loose) stirring every 10-15 minutes. Remove from oven and let fully cool. The flavors take a little while to set up. Store in airtight zipbag or other sealing container.

whisk until the egg white is frothy

add the spices and liquids

add the cashews (or peanuts)

mix until evenly coated

spread out on parchment or a silpad in a single layer and bake
I usually use one tray per pound of nuts.

Spicy Ketchup

French Fries, Chicken Nuggets, and even Fish Sticks have long been known as vehicles for kids to transport ketchup to their mouths. Heck, it was even considered a vegetable during a previous Presidential administration. I have usually been a mustard guy, but do love the sweet and slightly tangy taste that ketchup provides.

Ketchup, or catsup, or Tchuppy, or whatever else you call it has been a staple for more than 100 years. During college in Pittsburgh, it was hard to ignore who the king of the tomato sauce is. Heinz everywhere. At least I was never turned off by their product. I just think that could be easy ways to give it a little lift.

I think most folks know that I really like spicy stuff. Sriracha (aka Rooster Sauce) is one of my favorite sauce additives. I add it to soy sauce for dipping my gyoza. It is great in Florence Hsu's pot sticker sticky buns. I even squirt some into ground beef for burgers.

If you are not familiar with it, your should be!! Originally from Vietnam, I saw it in nearly every restaurant I ate at in Hanoi and Saigon. I can usually find it in my local supermarket and certainly you can find it in any Asian grocery.
Here is an easy way to add a little spice to your ketchup and change the taste of fries and nuggets forever.

Spicy Ketchup

• 4 parts Ketchup
• 1-4 parts Srirachi (Rooster) Sauce

start mixing it 4:1 and keep adding Sriracha until you get the heat and taste level you like. Have the kids try a little bit and have them help decide how much.


See I told you it was easy. You could even go to the local Bed Bath or other kitchen store and get a small squeeze bottle to store your mix in to have at anytime. Or I wait until my ketchup bottle is down to 1/2 full, then go get a new bottle of Sriracha and mix it in with the remaining ketchup. Easy! Just make sure that you label it. Keep it in the fridge and it will last as long as regular ketchup does.